Third in a series

What is the behavior expected of adult children who work the family farm? Do parents want puppets, or independent thinking adults with their own ideas and initiatives?

Dr. Ron Hanson posed these questions during the recent National Hard Spring Wheat Show in Williston. Hanson is a distinguished professor of agriculture at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln who specializes in farm succession and transition of management control for farm families.

"Work hard, do exactly what you are told, could be the standard rule of the family," Hanson said to a large, often quiet audience.

Is it the parents' dream for the children to return back home and work the farm? Is it the childrens' dream to farm with their parents or is it everyone's dream together, Hanson asked. "Children should never feel obligated to return back home to the family farm after college when their career interests or dreams lie elsewhere," he said.

Hanson told the story of a student who walked into his office just before graduation and said, "Will you please fail me for the semester Dr. Hanson and remove my name from the graduation list. I have never asked you for anything before Dr. Hanson. Would you fail me?"

The student was to return to the family farm and work with dad after turning down a dream job with Cargill. Hanson asked the student why the Cargill job was rejected and the student said, "Because if I went to work for Cargill, my father would never forgive me."

The next morning at commencement when the student's name was called to walk across the stage, "there were two people crying," Hanson said. "Be awful careful of control when you are a parent."

He said most parents want to help their children achieve a better standard of living than what the parents enjoyed.

"But this is often done with strings attached. Mom and dad expect something in return," he said.

Pretty soon that leads to resentment from the children, he added.

How the transfer of ownership of a farm or any business is handled is critical, Hanson said. Who actually owns the farm, or do parents continue to own while the adult children work, he asked.

He talked about a set of parents who stipulated everything that was to happen with the farm in a trust.

"And from the grave they are still in control," he said.

What the expectations are of the parents and the children under the transfer of ownership needs to be discussed and understood.

"If that young generation comes back home and farms they way dad did, they made one helluva mistake," Hanson said. "There will be changes. Get ready for it. It's called progress. It's called growth."

He said any adult child who is working the family farm on hopes, dreams and promises from family members with nothing in writing is taking one big gamble. If none of this can be discussed, that should be a huge message to the adult child, Hanson added.

Hanson talked about a son who worked the family farm with his parents and whose father verbally promised the farm to the son if he came back, but nothing was in writing. The mother then died and the father remarried a woman who was seven years younger than the son.

After a Christmas celebration was concluded, the son had a knock on his door and there stood his father, Hanson said. The father told his son he had to leave the farm right away, because that is what the new wife wanted.

"Once dad married her and had her, the talk of the town, what was dad's biggest fear? Losing her. She had dad right around her finger," Hanson said of the new young wife.

There also is the most sensitive issue of what happens with the nonfarming children of a farm family, he said.

"Are the parents willing to treat all of their children fairly and equitably in their estate plan?" he asked.

Some parents look at this situation from the perspective of "the boys and the girls," Hanson said.

"What difference would it make if they are boys or girls? They are your children," he said. "You treat all of your children fairly and equitably, never equally. Equally is never fair."

He said working through such a situation isn't a question of love for the children.

"You love all of your children. The question is how do we treat all of the children fairly. Don't confuse the issue. Let's just talk about being fair," Hanson said.

How this is to happen and when is important to discuss, but this is a tough topic because favorites exist within a family. Parents have to put these feelings for favorites aside when creating a fair and equitable estate plan, he said.

"This may even require a third party to come in to discuss this with the entire family," Hanson said.

He said too many times, these decisions are made under pressure or under the emotional stress often associated with a death.

"The point is you have to start the discussion early and this is mom and dad's responsibility and no one elses," Hanson said.

The thing Hanson likes to share with parents is some children care more about the farm and some children care more about the parents.

"Which of your children will come home to help when you are no longer able to care for yourself?" he asked.

Even with children who may live 2,000 miles away, which one finds the time to call every day and make your day a little happier, Hanson added.

"The point is some kids care more than others. The other side is some kids just see money," he said. "How much do I get, when do I get it and how do I get it? All of the children should all share in mom and dad's estate."

Hanson said parents must discuss the estate until both agree and can fully stand behind the agreement.

"When you have that family talk, you use the word 'we.' We discussed, we decided," he said.

He said parents can't allow themselves to get into a situation where dad would do it one way and mom another.

"If the kids get wind of that, they will play one parent against the other parent," Hanson said. "Don't give them the opportunity. Stop it before it starts."